First off - currently my whole state of being is perfectly described by this picture. It represents my mind, which seems to have so many thoughts thrashing through it lately that are relentless and are wearing me down. From my adequacy of a mother - to my ability to successfully return to school and to succeed. My mind races with questions and worries with no avail and no answers. It represents my heart, which rushes with emotions. Love so strong for my family yet sprigs of pain when I leave Greta at daycare, and a mix of passion with despair when I think about my return to school. Lastly, it represents my body, as these thoughts and emotions are begin to wear me down for the inside out, waking tired and achy from a less than adequate sleep with a body that I feel for some reason is beginning to fail on me -- even before it has endured the stress of the year that is to come. I want these waves to recede, so there is clarity and calm, where I can see the horizon and know that the destination I am headed for is the right one.
On top of all of that I am also:
thinking about | my social media usage time. It is embarrassing the time I've been spending on social media lately, especially when it is a time I should be savouring my moments with Greta, and it's not even constructive use of time or conscious either, it's merely aimless scrolling, a way to occupy time or maybe to escape my aforementioned thoughts. Yes, I believe that is it. An escape, but a horrible one. Where I am looking at or reading about the moments I should be having, instead of removing the distraction and doing them on my own. An escape, where I can portray my life as what I want others to know, instead of the chaotic waves that make me feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts. It's time to stop. Put down the phone. Enjoy my last month at home, to guide myself through these thoughts, and prepare for my future.
reading | Love Anthony by Lisa Genova. I just started it but have heard nothing but good reviews and the first few chapters have sucked me in. Maybe reading is a better escape anyways.
watching | pinterest for recipes. Of all social media this might be constructive use of my time as I scour for freezer casseroles & crockpot meals to prepare on the days Greta is at daycare to have a supply of healthy meals as the days get busy with school papers and exams.
listening to | Lennon & Maisy Stella. These girls voices and harmony are amazing, just love listening to them. Here is a song that I'm loving:
| "two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and a family that always calls me home,
four wheels to get there, enough love to share" |
This sweet song is a good reminder. It WILL be ok, that calm WILL come as writing and sharing this helps.
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